Clapdown

I guess everyone has their quirks. My cousin, Corn, prides himself on being the fastest clapper in the world. For some reason I have yet to figure out he thinks that fast clapping is a skill that warrants the respect and admiration of all his peers. The sad truth is that he's really fast. I mean, this guy can clap! He's practiced this for years.

This week he believed he was being challenged by a coworker. Though there was never an official gaunlet laid down the coworker, Craig, just went with the flow and they had a showdown in the office. Corn made up rules and even had a promoter secure a room and audience. Corn won the showdown and it was hilarious. What was even funnier was that when he got back to his desk Craig had sent him an email that had "The Clapdown" scheduled in Corn's calendar for later that day. If you can believe it, it was a rematch at fast clapping. Corn is an intelligent guy so it's hard to understand how he takes this so seriously. Anyway, the Clapdown was held yesterday at 2:30.

This is one of those stories that people don't believe unless there is some evidence. I was completely aware of that as the saga was unfolding. So for all of the unbelievers out there.

Watch this.

Clip one is a portion (there were many rounds) of the competition. Clip two is "the winning clap". I'm sure you'll watch in disbelief like everyone else. My, the things we take seriously....

Why can't I hate the player?

I can't remember a more idiotic phrase ever being created than "Don't hate the player, hate the game". What is saying this supposed to accomplish. Is it supposed to absolve the sayer of any responisibility for whatever messed up thing they did?! And what "game"?! What kind of drooling, retarded person blames things on an imaginary game? I think the same person who invented this is the same person that thought saying "shields" protected them from anything. Here are a couple of scenarios where you might hear this stupid phrase.

1) A woman catches her man at a restaurant with another woman. She confronts him and he responds with
"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

2) Street hustler fast talks you into buying a piece of crap that you don't figure out its a piece of crap until he's gone. You see him on the next block two days later and he responds with
"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

How far does this actually go? It seems that people have managed to start using this phrase to get over in every situation. There has never been a phrase with so much potential to incite anarchy than this. Why do people think it just, magically, gets them off of the hook? If somebody breaks in my house and steals my stuff, "don't hate the player, hate the game" will not illicit a "oh, I suppose you're right" response from me. My response might sound more like a Red Foxx record.

We're not in elementary school anymore. When I was in elementary school I got sent to the principal's office because a kid on the bus, that I didn't know, hit me in the arm and said "Punch buggy, no punch back." I hit him in the nose and he bled for the rest of the ride to school. I never quite understood why he thought I had no right to return the favor. Why wouldn't I hate the player especially if the player is willingly playing the game I hate? I don't see what the big deal is about hating both. Were it not for the fact that I'm a grown, adult man I would be going around punching players in the mouth with a roll of quarters and saying "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Perhaps New York City should be the nations capital instead of Washington D.C. I mean, sure we have Capitol Hill, memorials, monuments, the House and the Senate but what good is all of that if New York (and a few other places) have a better fireworks display than we do. First of all, I surfed the major channels looking for the event. I saw the Macy's thing on one channel but the D.C. fireworks were nowhere to be found. That is, until I turned to public access television (WETA). The fireworks here only lasted about 15 minutes and most of the time they were showing the band play and occasionally showing images of the fireworks display. Meanwhile, the other channel had the New York party with Beyonce, Sheryl Crow and Justin. In between commercials they had Arnold Schwarzenegger, Angela Bassett, and Reese Witherspoon giving inspiring naratives. All we had was people like Peabo Bryson. The fireworks display in NY was about 30 minutes and all of it was amazing! Our little, raggedy 15 minute show was fuzzy because nobody gets that channel clearly. Now you tell me why, on the most patriotic day of the year, the nation's capital can't go all out? I don't live in D.C. so I don't pay taxes there and I vote to boost the funding for the 4th of July fireworks because it doesn't make any sense that the University of Maryland and Six Flags all have better displays than the District. New York had Beyonce and we had the National Symphony Orchestra. What sense does that make?! It's a shame that Macy's can put on a better display than the nation's capital.

Ok, here's the thing I don't get. R. Kelly is the, self-dubbed, Pied Piper of R&B. I completly understand the parallel between his ability to woo with music and the Pied Piper's ability to do the same. I got that part. The part that confuses me is that he picked this particular story as a reference for his 'charm'.

The town of Hamlin had a rat problem and they hired the Pied Piper to use his skills to dispose of the rats. The Piper played his flute and all of the rats followed him out of the town and into the river to drown. When he had disposed of all of the rats and returned for his payment the town council didn't pay him what was promised and challenged him to do something about it. So the Pied Piper, with his gypsy like charm, stood in the street and begin to play again. This time it was the children he was after. All of the little children gleefully followed him out of town and were never seen again.

Now, if I were R. Kelly and I was picking a new moniker, with current court cases pending, why would I pick one that ends with the guy taking away little children to do who knows what in the side of a mountain?! It just makes no sense. Maybe that move wasn't thought all the way through. lol

I moved to a nice neighborhood for a reason! Yesterday I came home to the sound of the ice cream truck on my street. To be honest I'd rather not have an ice cream truck on my street because kids only know how to throw wrappers in the grass instead of the trash can but I resigned to deal with it...for the kids. What I won't deal with is the fact that the music the truck was playing had a drum track. What kind of ice cream truck has a drum track with snares, bass and Sean Paul claps?! And this truck must've had Bose speakers or something because I could hear the music very clearly even after my door was closed. Now I have kids hanging around the ice cream truck, dancing. It's their new club!! That was NOT the reason I moved into the neighborhood. I'm calling my HOA. lol

Dollar readers are too sensitive these days. The only ones that aren't are fare card machines at the metro. You could put a crumpled dollar in any of those machines and they'll take it. Even if the dollar is folded over, faded from the wash and in the shape of a ball. But when you need the machines most, when the guy just delivered that snack that you didn't know you wanted until you saw it and just had to have it, that's when they decide to get all sensitive. It's like the dollar has to come straight from the mint, uncreased, for the machine to read it. I just stood at the machine for 5 minutes trying to get my dollar in. I really wasn't that hungry but after the dollar got spit out the 5th time it was personal. I was determined to get that dollar (or any of the ones in my pocket) into that machine. I'm straightening it out on my leg, rubbing it on the corner of the machine, trying to force then finesse it into the vending machine and the reader was treating me like my dollar had SARS.

I remember we used to put tape on the dollars (in high school) so we could pull them back out again and get our sodas without paying AND get back change. Since then then the machines have had many upgrades. That taped dollar business stopped around the T-1000 series of machines, I guess. But now it's like they don't even want the dollar...like the snack machine is much happier holding on to the snacks. Fine! They can keep their snacks! The only reason I was comfortable sitting through Terminator 2 and the Matrix was because it wasn't real but it looks like the snack machines are trying to make it happen. I won't stand for it. I'm the friggin' "one". I'm about to go stand in front of the machine and weave in bullet time. Who's with me?

Its the end of May 2003 and its rained everyday except 5 days. That's 23 days of rain. Its funny to hear people complain about everything. Last year it was the drought. This year it's the rain. Later this summer it will probably be the mosquitos (that we missed out on last year because of the drought). People are going to always find something to complain about but next year they're going to have plenty of ammunition. Get ready, the cicadas are coming back next summer!